Thursday, December 06, 2007

Downtown Cocoa Brown

NewFNP has rarely, if ever, found herself in the position of requiring - let alone desiring - a friend's presence while at the doctor. Truth be told, she would rather keep that part of her life private. Especially as it relates to her lady business. Good news? Great! Bad news? Private!

However, if newFNP's patients want to drag their sisters/friends/cousins to their appointments, who is newFNP to deny them? Of course, newFNP asks family members to exit the room during sensitive histories or exams, but respects it if her patients want to use the buddy system.

This morning, when newFNP read the chief complaint of "boil on her vagina," she felt a little glee at the thought of incising and draining what she assumed to be an abscess. It's been a long time since newFNP performed any mini-surgery and, frankly, she's been missing it.

Alas, it was not to be.

NewFNP received permission to make this a group visit and proceeded to ask her patient who, by the way, had a BMI of 41, how she could be of help. Her friend, whose BMI was easily 50-plus, piped up with, "She got a boil on her cocoa brown!"

NewFNP elicited the pertinent history and got the patient into the lithotomy position - no easy task - and began to survey the region when her friend came around to get a lay of the land as well. NewFNP quickly maneuvered the makeshift drape in order to cover her patient.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," newFNP said. "Is it okay with you if she looks?" NewFNP's patient, astoundingly, gave her the go ahead and her friend jumped on in.

Again, newFNP would prefer that all of her friends would just stay the hell out of her own cocoa brown. Permission to view the pelvic exam denied!

This lady's cocoa brown wasn't exactly rocking the cocoa puff, per se, but more of the cocoa herpes. When newFNP asked her if she had a new partner, she answered in the affirmative. After determining that this was a male partner, she asked if he was a good guy. Her friend emphatically answered that he was, in fact, not. To which, newFNP's patient informed the room that she would no longer be "fucking with him."

Good then. NewFNP provided some safer sex counseling, offered further STI screening, and bid these two fine ladies adieu.


estlxlan said...

oh my! how on earth does a lady with BMI of 40+/ 50 have sex? won't it be really tiring for them?

Anonymous said...

Your writing is hilarious. You certainly have another career option should too many cocoa puffs and patient come-ons bring you down.