Thursday, December 13, 2007

Cuckoo for Cocoa Brown

NewFNP's readers are already familiar with our good friend Downtown Cocoa Brown. As it turns out, she not only had a culture confirmed herpes infection, but also had a bonus STD: syphilis!

Hooray!

NewFNP, upon receiving the result from her lab and seeing the reactive FTA with a 1:8 titer, called her local public health department. She asked the helpful STD man if he had any record of having ever treated Ms. Cocoa Brown for said treponemal infection. He had not. NewFNP then proceeded to call Cocoa and ask if she had ever been diagnosed or treated for syphilis. She had not. NewFNP strongly encouraged her to return to the clinic A.S.A.P. in order to glean a better syphilis-related history and to start her some some sweet Pen G. Oh, and in the meantime, do public health a favor and keep those sweet legs tightly closed, would ya hon?

This was Tuesday. She swore she would be in Wednesday at 8:30 AM. NewFNP even requested an overbook. Therefore, one can imagine the importance newFNP placed on this visit. Around 9:30 on Wednesday, newFNP received a phone call from Cocoa's friend, the vagina voyeur, noting that they were a little on the late side in coming in for the syphilis appointment but that, not to worry, they would be there.

The dynamic duo never showed.

Again, newFNP feels compelled to point out the differences between her experience as a patient and that of her patients'. If newFNP has a blemish, she is powerless to not treat it. And she is talking about a micro-papule that she and only she can appreciate while her otherwise dewy and glowing skin is illuminated in the magnifying mirror. Intralesional kenalog STAT! If newFNP's vag* doctor told her that she had motherfucking syphilis, she would be destroying herself with penicillin!

NewFNP received a call today from the friend. The reason that Cocoa Brown had not returned to the clinic is that her friend's foot hurt "real bad." Ever heard of a bus? Taxi? Tricycle? Walking?

They swear that they will be there tomorrow. NewFNP, alas, will not. Her new work buddy, Dr. Dual-Ivy-League-Degrees, will. As sad as the case may be, newFNP knows that Dr. Dual-Ivy-League-Degrees will have quite a time with these two.

* rhymes with badge

1 comment:

Traveler & Learner of Life said...

Hi NewFNP, I am a new ANP and full of anxiety after school. Any words of advice are appreciated. Of all the stuff we learned in school to get good grades, I feel so stupid and scared like a new grad in nursing school. Do you recommend the AANP or ANCC cert?
I love your blog and look for it everyday. Thanks.
Thuha (tttruax@msn.com)