Tuesday, September 18, 2007


NewFNP is here to tell you that there are simple ways in which to ensure that your visit to your doctor, nurse practitioner, midwife or physician assistant runs smoothly. NewFNP is not able to say whether these tips extend to the more holistic professions, let's say one's acupuncturist or colon hydrotherapist, but she is sure that some of them will be applicable.

1) Schedule your appointment early in the morning. This is helpful for a variety of reasons. First, your provider will likely be on time or only marginally behind. Second, it is easy to be compassionate at 8:30 in the morning - that is, of course, if your provider is compassionate to begin with as newFNP likes to fancy herself. Like it or not, even the best provider wants to go home on time so avoid the 4:30 appointment slot unless you only need a Retin-A refill and have absolutely no complaints whatsoever.

2) Avoid using a harsh tone with the front desk staff and saying things such as "You all are fucking retards!" or "I am fucking pissed!" or even "This is bullshit!" That kind of language will not help your case and may earn you the title of "difficult patient." Let's face it, shall we, if you are throwing the F-bomb at a receptionist, you are a difficult patient and your clinician will know that you were rude to her staff. In practices other than newFNP's, this type of behavior might just get you escorted out the door and fired from the practice. But, no, not in newFNP's clinic. Bring on the verbal abuse! We'll see you anyway. Of course, newFNP does not assume that her readers would engage in such behavior, but offers this advice merely to file away as an FYI.

3) Smile when your provider enters the room. NewFNP tries to smile at every patient in order to tip the encounter in the direction of "pleasant" rather than "emotionally draining." A little smile, like a little hot sex or Comito Mojitos, goes a long way in making one's day more enjoyable.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Happy 5768, Jewish Style

Shana Tova, newFNP readers!

Nothing has been very exciting in newFNP's world, except that she did go to a yoga class this week with her friend CDCMPH and got her ass kicked. Jump back into plank? No thank you. NewFNP will step into plank and will pretend that she and her pal are not the only yogis who are sweating like wild boars!

Clinically speaking, newFNP has been recently plagued with the mind-numbing "same old-same old." The potentially interesting cases have not followed up and, thus, newFNP is in the midst of several clinical cliff-hangers. Does the seven year-old with B-cups rivaling those of that 'High School Musical' nude-internet-picture-girl merely drink too much hormonally-ridden milk or is she in the dangerous clutches of McCune-Albright syndrome? NewFNP would love to tell you, but this young lady has not returned for further evaluation. NewFNP hopes that she has followed up on her endocrine referral.

What newFNP has noticed of late is that she is spending an inordinate amount of time educating her patients on something that she herself has taken for granted for years, no - decades: the medication refill. NewFNP expects that when she gets her Retin-A prescription, it will damn well come with a year's supply of clear skin and wrinkle prevention, all with a simple automated phone call to her friendly neighborhood pharmacy. To newFNP's patients, most of whom hail from countries where over-the-counter meds are the norm, the concept is foreign. "What?!?" they say with raised brows, incredulous that they could have more than one month's worth of hydrochlorothiazide! Ah, yes, newFNP explains. All you have to do is call. Then newFNP reviews why it is important to, therefore, use the same pharmacy for all prescriptions. This interaction takes significantly longer than one might assume.

NewFNP is a joker, but she is not joking about this. Patient after patient, newFNP must review the concept of a refill. Swear to God. No fucking joke.

The other thing which newFNP finds striking is the all-too-common answer to a question posed by newFNP during each and every well-child visit: What kind of milk do you drink at home? To newFNP, it is as relevant as the presence of smoke alarms, medication allergies, asthma and if there is a frigging TV in the three year-old's bedroom.

And how do the vast majority of newFNP's patient's answer?

"De galón."

Oh, no shit? You get your milk from a gallon container? As opposed to, say, drinking directly from the teats of the many cows freely roaming the streets of newFNP's urban metropolis! What the fuck? NewFNP is not sure if she is missing something in the translation, but, in writing this, allows that she could simply ask if the 50-pound toddler is still drinking whole milk.

But shit, where's the fun in that?

"De galón." L'chaim!!