Friday, December 07, 2007

Balls - redux.

When purchasing her new car earlier this year, newFNP felt confident that it would not be tampered with when she parked it in her clinic's ghetto-esque area. Why, you ask? It is because, time and time again, newFNP noted that all around her were big trucks with flashy 16-inch rims, SUVs with the same, minivans with those spine chilling stick-figure family stickers, or piece of shit junkers with piece of shit spinning rims. NewFNP bought a hybrid, a very hybridy-looking hybrid. They are not so common or coveted in newFNP's hood.

NewFNP loves cars. In her dream world, she would have her sweet hybrid and she would have a sweet Audi S6 all-wheel drive wagon for snowboarding with George Clooney. But she would not, under any circumstances, buy a big truck, fashion a skull whose eyes glowed red when she stepped on the brakes to the trailer hitch and hang from its truck underbelly a huge pair of swinging rubber bull testes.

Yet newFNP has seen this accessory more than she would have liked to. For the record, she would have liked to have seen it exactly once, just for shits and giggles, but to have seen it repeatedly feels somewhat abusive. Does newFNP really need to be hypnotized by faux balls as she leaves work?

Who hangs these balls from their truck? Do they have female partners who deign to be seen in such a masculinely adorned vehicle? Do they feel appropriately shamed when they go to the bull-ball store and weigh the decision regarding color? Do they cup their purchase in their palms and feel pride? And - really - who chooses blue?

NewFNP knows the message that these chaps are trying to put out there. They are saying, "Do not fuck with me. Smoke comes from my nostrils when I am incensed. Furthermore, my testicles are laden with semen and my semen, if you must know and - trust me - you must, is the stuff of legend. In fact, I am quite certain that there exists a tome entitled 'La Leyenda de mi Semen.' My erections are formidable."

The message received by newFNP is more like this: I am compensating for my small, poorly functioning penis, I do not know where the clitoris is, and I drink too much.

Can't we just go back to sexy mud flap ladies?

3 comments:

nycpnp said...

newfnp - i love that you are blogging so much. the joy it brings to me. but please, please don't tease. i know that there might come a time soon that you won't blog every single day and i will miss it horribly.

love,

nycpnp

Aleah said...

i too am horrified by the ridiculous trailer-hitch balls! (which, incidentally, are just starting to make appearances in springfield, mass)

BostonFNP said...

I too, am adoring the daily blogging by NewFNP. NYCPNP, have no fear. If you ever need a good dose of NewFNP humor and insight, I can assure you she is just a call away. Thank god for modern technology!