Balls.

Seriously, what the fuck happens to people over a holiday weekend? NewFNP is gone for four days and the whole world goes to pot.

NewFNP is continuing her week of meaningful encounters, which is lovely and, given newFNP's semi-cynicism, oddly life-affirming. NewFNP is not one to curl up and hug one's inner child, but it has been making her feel good to do good. Because, you know, she is so used to doing evil.

But newFNP just wouldn't be newFNP if she didn't talk about a jacked up penis, so let's get on it. Figuratively speaking, of course.

There is something to be said for having the parent in the room for at least part of an encounter with an adolescent male. For instance, when newFNP asks something along the lines of, "How can I help you today?" and the kid responds, "Oh, you know, I had a headache a few months ago," newFNP is appreciative when the mom jumps in with something like, "And you were hemorrhaging from your penis and went to the ED."

OK then. Let's get down to business.

When newFNP sees a 16-year old guy with a hickey the size of Wyoming on his neck and hears about penis hemorrhages requiring trips to the ED and stitches, she has two differentials: aggressive masturbation or buck-wild teenage sex.

In order to screen for other risky behavior, newFNP asked, "Were you having sex when this happened?"

"Noooo!," he responded, a look of horror and shock on his face. "It was in the morning!"

Ah, to be a teenager and not yet have experienced the beauty of the morning sex. NewFNP had to grin.

Apparently, he just had to pee really badly and then all of the sudden, his foreskin just blew up like a fucking landmine and his penis started bleeding like he was beating off with Freddy Kreuger's scary blade-hand. Yeah, buddy. Whatever you say. NewFNP will just send that urine off for GC/CT just to be on the safe side. She feels somewhat assured that this young patient will not be having sex anytime soon -- at least until the fucking penis stitches dissolve.