The world is your oyster

When newFNP decided to become an NP, it was really because she wanted to take care of patients in a community health setting.

Done.  

So when that gig burned her out, she looked around to see what else was out there.  Her research position just happened to be waiting for her.  Serendipity.

So now newFNP alternates between mellow, organized, important work days and hectic, clusterfucked, important work days.  It's pretty cool.

And that is a pretty cool part of being a health care professional.  

We have options.

Both positions have their positive aspects and their negative aspects.  

At the community clinic, newFNP practices independently.  She is an authority on certain aspects of care.  She makes connections with patients and nurtures those connection as best she can.  Yet she is expected to see 30 patients daily.  Her patients wait hours to see her.  And did she mention already the utter clusterfuck in regards to organization (or a lack thereof)?

At the research clinic, newFNP is really, truly treated well by her supervisor.  She has more than adequate time with each of the research participants.  She is learning about conducting research in an academic environment in which doing things correctly is the respected and expected modus operandi.  She is learning a lot about drug addiction and is appreciating the importance of discovering new treatments for it as she meets with and learns about her patients and their lives.  And there is a crazy delicious burrito stand mere footsteps away.  Yet she makes no independent decisions, which, for newFNP is kind of a drag.  That's the only real downside.  Perhaps that will come in time.

As soon to be NP grads are hitting the job market, newFNP would offer this speck of advice:  take the tough job first.  Work in an environment that challenges you to become a better, more skilled provider.  Learn.  Sweat.  Make mistakes.  And, after a few years, look around and see what is out there.

Research + Clinic = Perfect Situation

NewFNP is going to let you in on a little secret: she likes clinical practice more than research.  That could be because newFNP has an inherent distaste for all things new or it may be because the research clinic is in a slow-as-molasses phase, but newFNP is - and boy does it ever pain her to say it - bored. 

That being said, newFNP was about to stroke out today when she had already seen 17 patients before high noon.  Or when her 16-year old pregnant math whiz had her pulled out of the exam room to talk to her about an emergency - genital warts.  

But she loved it when her absolute favorite patient, a 6-year old boy, ran down the hall to give her a big hug, show her his missing tooth and proceed to chat her up about Spongebob and Patrick and show her his perfect penmanship and numbers.  And it made her feel really useful when her 30-year old pregnant patient, who had been tearful in the exam room due to problems between her and her baby daddy, dropped newFNP an e-mail, letting her know that she was doing OK and would be in to see newFNP next week.  

NewFNP is making connections with her study patients as well, but there are three of them and newFNP works for eight hours.  Three patients, 8 hours.  Thirty-three patients, 8 hours.  For the love of sweet baby Jesus, can newFNP find a happy freaking medium?  

Anyway, making these new connections and valuing her continued connections with her clinical patients is really quite lovely.  It does bring newFNP a feeling of doing good for her community, for her individual patients and for herself.  NewFNP set out to be an NP because she wanted to have a meaningful career which brought her joy and promoted wellness in the lives of others.  Burnout sort of negated all those philosophical whimsies that newFNP had articulated for herself.

So, in sum, newFNP supposed that her current combination is working for her.  Bored or not, she does love going into work at noon three days per week.  This affords her the opportunity to go to Weezer concerts mid-week with her BFF and not be exhausted the next day.  It allows her to peruse chic glasses frames and ultimately decide on a sweet Kate Spade pair ("Elisabeth" in case anyone wants to be twinsies) with all the time in the world, nary a care in her mind except which glasses are going to make her look like a smart and sassy.  And thank goodness she has the time to exercise because her research job is largely sedentary and newFNP wishes to prevent work related ass spreading.  

And working part-time in clinic cures burnout.  It took a while for her pseudo-PTSD symptoms to subside but now they have.  

NewFNP just doesn't feel fried anymore.  

Schadenfreude

NewFNP wants to say right off the bat - take that O.J., you murdering, armed robbering, kidnapping motherfucker!  Sure, you got away with murder, you SOB, but you couldn't just walk the straight and narrow and the good people of Las Vegas were wise enough to do what the people of Los Angeles could not thirteen years ago.  NewFNP supposes that murdering two people loads you up with bad karma.  Further felonies do not help.

OK, back to newFNP.  In her new job, newFNP is surrounded by overachieving braniacs.  Hell, in her clinical job as well, but in her clinic most people are content with providing clinical care.  In her new job, clinical care is part of what you do when you aren't taking an 8AM course in genetics as a fun refresher or being a RWJ Clinical Scholar or writing new research proposals.  NewFNP is in the fucking thick of academia in her new gig.

To newFNP, academia is like her fantasy world of smart people just getting to be smart and do smart things and make smart geeky jokes about acetylcholine and dopamine.  It's where miracles happen - where genomes are sequenced and viruses are isolated and treatments are cutting edge.

So newFNP really has a lot of opportunity to grow in her career.

The thing is, newFNP isn't sure how much she wants that anymore.  Sometimes newFNP just wants to read Go Fug Yourself or For Whom the Bell Tolls or the New Yorker.  Sometimes she just wants to get her teeth whitened or her face facialed.  She wants to go to a movie or a Weezer concert or the opera.  Or she wants to write here on her blog, which she fully acknowledges is not advancing the science in any way but brings her a lot of joy.  And what if she wants to have a baby one day?

Recently, newFNP's new supervisor mentioned that he hasn't been to a movie in years.  Incredulous, newFNP asked why.  He stated that he doesn't have time.  No time?  For a movie?  Not even for a George Clooney movie?  That is not the life for newFNP.

And newFNP feels a little guilty about this.  Like she is letting her new boss - of three weeks - down.  Like she isn't living up to her potential.  Like she is a big flake for not taking on more and more responsibilities.  

But, for now, she'll just go read some Hemingway and put her professional neuroses to bed for one more night.

Win-win situation

As many of you know, newFNP was in the midst of a crisis when she made the decision to make a change of venue.  She was really concerned that she had made a huge mistake in becoming an NP.  It was altogether quite unpleasant.

Well, that has all changed.  NewFNP cannot believe her new job. She cannot believe her new attitude.  And she cannot believe her new schedule.

 The downside of the new position is that is holds less responsibility than her clinical role. This will change when newFNP is not so new there, but for now newFNP is feeling a little underutilized.   The upside is every-frigging-thing else.  NewFNP went to lunch today with her colleagues.  Lunch.  Away from the clinical site.  With her colleagues.  The support staff are entirely competent and responsible in their roles.  NewFNP has been told by her supervisor to 'relax' and 'take it easy' - not just once.  Multiple times.  The job is all about attention to detail, about taking your time and doing it right.  It has EMR.  It's 2.5 miles from her apartment.  What's not to love?

And, sweet Jesus, the hours are 12-8PM.  To newFNP, this is a dream come true.  No more fighting in lines at the gym to get the good elliptical machines at 5:30PM, no more blowing off the gym to cry about one's shitty day.  Now the gym is a pre-work activity and not at 5:30AM and not when there are a million other people looking at newFNP is she tries to sneak in a 40 minute workout instead of a 30 minutes one.  Now she can guiltlessly enjoy her full 60 minutes of cardio.  She went to the grocery store - a perpetually crowded grocery store - and it wasn't crowded.  It's a whole new world!  

This must be what it feels like to find religion.

But maybe the best part about being at the new job is that newFNP enjoys the old job a million times more.  This is not to say that she does not experience frustration when she has three 1:30 appointments, but she has adopted a much more zen-like attitude about it.  Saying well, fuck it, I'm not here tomorrow qualifies as zen, right?  In the face of new responsibilities at the new job, newFNP is thankful to feel mastery, or at least competency, in her clinical role.  

Hello awesome!

Oh my god, newFNP never knew that work could be so good.  So fucking good.  So.  Fucking.  Good.

New Job's Eve

NewFNP is nervous.

Sure, change is good, it helps/forces you to grow and learn, it broadens your horizons, it affords you a bigger paycheck and a shorter commute - at least in this instance.  But, fuck, change can suck.  Role transitions are challenges, even when we are prepared for them, even when we have been longing for them.  Being new anew.  Learning each and every aspect of one's position again. 

All of newFNP's friends and family are telling her that the new job is perfect for her - it's organized, protocol-driven and academic in focus.  Hell, that's a fairly decent description of newFNP herself!  

But, ugh, change.  Even though her new supervisor is all about easing newFNP into the job, there lurks that part of newFNP that is worried that she will fail.  Why would she fail?  Who the hell knows, but she's still scared of it.  

NewFNP saw some movies this weekend, bought some flattering black trousers and designer jeans and is enjoying her last night of vacation with a glass of wine and some EKG review.  

Shopping, wine, George Clooney and studying: something(s) old for tonight, something new for tomorrow.