Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Lolly Lolly Lolly Get Your Mirena Here!

A while back, newFNP noted that she was caring for a pregnant seventh grader who was not on track to win any genius awards.  This young woman continued to astound all who came in contact with her throughout her pregnancy, which ended happily - though not without adolescent high jinx - on Saturday.

NewFNP's clinic contracts with one hospital.  This hospital is where each and every one of newFNP's prenatal patients are expected to deliver.  It is where they go on hospital tours.  It is where they pre-register for their intrapartum care.  

There is no equivocation in this expectation.  There is no gray area.  One.  Hospital.

So, when the anti-MacArthur Fellow went into labor, newFNP would have expected that she would grab her bag and her copied ACOG form, and would have said to her boyfriend (who, thankfully, was sprung from juvenile detention prior to the big event - WHEW!), "Hey stud, take me to General Hospital."  General Hospital, of course, meaning the one specific hospital where she was repeatedly told to present when the time came.

That is, in fact, not what she did.  Apparently, impending childbirth was not enough of an adventure.  These youthful imps decided to try a different hospital.

A convalescent hospital.  

Seriously?  Even if their combined IQ is still less than the price of a loaf of bread, one would think that they could appreciate the difference between a convalescent hospital (single story, wheelchairs and walkers strewn about, aroma of BenGay) and a regular hospital (multi-story, bright red 'emergency' sign, ambulances).

After a quick transfer via paramedics to a regular hospital, these Mensa members became parents.  

There are not enough hours in the day for newFNP to explain the many and multi-faceted reasons why this terrifies and concerns her.   

Are we still wanting abstinence only education?  NewFNP votes no.  In fact, she is thinking of running for mayor, congress, queen, master of the universe - whatever - on her free Mirena platform.  She'd run for president, but she's not old enough yet.  But son of a bitch if that isn't right around the frigging corner.  



Shana Tova!


Anonymous said...

I'd vote for you in a heartbeat NewFNP! You're my hero!

Lesbonurse said...

Please tell me there are some grandparents, aunts, sisters--someone, ANYONE--involved!

newFNP said...

Foster mom. The original post details the utter fucked-ness of the family situation. That is one of the many reasons that newFNP is so concerned.

Jennifer said...

Oh my, that's so darn funny I nearly fell from my chair.

Jenn said...

Good God, between Palin and now this, it makes you lose all faith in humanity, huh?

LilSass said...

I've made tongue-in-cheek comments about how we need to crush up birth control and put it in the water in DC. Because that stinks of Eugenics, I like the Free Mirena platform. Man how I wish Obama would add that to his campaign1