Friday, May 09, 2008

The return of Cocoa Brown

Just when newFNP was thinking that she was running out of stories to share, the elusive Ms. Cocoa Brown returned to the clinic!

NewFNP walked into clinic this morning with a spring in her step and noticed Cocoa's best friend sitting in the waiting room. She was not hard to miss, what with the 250-something pounds and the bright yellow sweater and shorts ensemble. It wasn't until she had almost entered the back office did she hear Ms. Cocoa Brown call her name.

"Hi newFNP!" she cheerily sing-songed. Now, newFNP has been trying to get in touch with her for months in order to follow up on that pesky syphilis. It's always, "Tomorrow - I'll be there tomorrow." Thus, newFNP gave Cocoa a look that said both "finally" and "where have you been?"

"Don't be mad," Cocoa told newFNP, "I've been in jail."

NewFNP can hardly think of a better excuse by which to deflect one's accountability for n0t making it to one's clinic appointments than that of incarceration. Apparently, the felony warrants and copious tickets were too heavy a burden for Cocoa and she turned herself in.

And now here she was, by her accounts sober except for the occasional Bartles & James wine cooler, which - in her estimation- have no alcohol.

While newFNP was addressing the need to re-check an RPR to monitor titres, she had her MA move Cocoa's hypertensive pal into another room to perform a screening EKG. A different MA tried unsuccessfully to draw Cocoa Brown's blood. NewFNP twice tried unsuccessfully to get blood from her tiny veins. A third MA took a break from setting up the EKG to give it a whirl, also to no avail.

Cocoa Brown graciously offered to return to the clinic for her venipuncture another day, but newFNP was having nothing of it. Yes, it is a torture, but frankly, obtaining that blood sample was a high priority. NewFNP sent her to hydrate and she opted to do so in the room where her buddy was having her EKG.


It was at this point that the power went out.

NewFNP's MA, Cocoa Brown and her half-naked 250-pound friend were all in the exam room, Cocoa Brown with her two glasses of water, her friend with her paper gown and EKG mid-way completed and newFNP's MA wondering what in the hell to do.

NewFNP's chronically late but exceptionally gifted MA/phlebotomist finally showed up. NewFNP sent her in with a flashlight and a butterfly to get the sample.

Success!! Winnie the Pooh sticker in hand, she left the clinic with instructions to return in two weeks. Anyone in a gambling mood?

NewFNP continued to see her patients, flashlight in hand, until about 2:30 PM when the power was restored. This is the second time in as many months that newFNP's clinic has had a power outage due to a downed power line. The first time they sent us home after several hours. This time we had flashlights. NewFNP hears that a generator is in the works which, of course, the clinic needs, but damn it if newFNP doesn't appreciate a little unexpected light day every once in a while.


Beth said...

thank you for this hilarious post..I laughed so many times at the return of cocoa brown!

Anonymous said...

Hey NewFNP-
you have made my day with your funny stories! I would like a little advice from you if you wouldn't mind.

I am in school to become an FNP. I have no nursing background, actually I am a singer/songwriter and graphic designer/real estate/politics kind of person, jack of all trades I guess. I'm in my 30's and have never really had a "real" job, always kind of worked for myself or waited tables etc.
anyway, I chose FNP because I wasn't sure what specialty to choose and I like people. My concern is that I have almost zero interaction and or knowledge of children in my life. I would prefer not to deal with kids, but don't want to limit my job choices.

Your kid stories were funny but also scary to me! Kids add so much more to know in the FNP role and I'm afraid that you can't learn enough just from books to be good at it.

anyway, am I crazy to go the FNP route if I don't really want to deal with kids?
or can you work somewhere as an FNP that only sees a small percentage?
just wondering if that is unrealistic and I should just get the adult NP. I can get adult NP with a specialty in cardio. not sure if that's as interesting as what you are doing.

you seem like you really have your you know what together.

Thanks for any advice you can offer. Sounds like you are in NYC, I went to NYU before I dropped out to join a band back in the day...

Looking forward to reading more of your posts

viberama - future FNP?

newFNP said...

Viberama -

Please email newFNP at NewFNP would be happy to answer your questions directly.