Saturday, March 01, 2008

Thanks, buddy.

There are aspects of any new NP's experience that are less than savory.  These may include the retrieval of a malodorous weeks-old feminine hygiene product from a vagina, the careful examination of moist fungal foot lesions or the olfactory assault during the always enjoyable abscess incision and drainage.  

NewFNP wouldn't say that she would opt to participate in any of the aforementioned activities, but she is aware that certain complaints require certain assessments.  For instance, if you tell newFNP that your ear hurts, you can bet that she will check out the affected ear(s) as well as the associated lymph nodes and she'll throw in a oropharyngeal exam at no extra charge.  If your va-jay-jay has taken a turn for the worse, newFNP will have you in the lithotomy position as fast as you can say "wet mount."

And if you tell newFNP that your prostate is acting up, that you're having decreased urinary stream and that it hurts to ejaculate, newFNP will think, "Crap - prostate exam" -- no pun intended.  

When newFNP informed her patient that he was soon to be intimately acquainted with her gloved finger, he told newFNP that he would rather not.  NewFNP, somewhat relieved, stated that she would draw the PSA and, if abnormal, would conduct the DRE.  He seemed dissatisfied and told newFNP that, if she wanted,  he would consent to the DRE.

If she wanted??

Honey, when it comes to prostate exams, want does not come into it.  Begrudging acknowledgement of necessity, yes.  Desire, no.

As if a prostate exam was all newFNP needed to have the perfect day.

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