Introspection

NewFNP has recently begun to wonder more and more -- is she part of the solution or part of the problem?

NewFNP is type A to the nth degree, she is a stubborn Capricorn and she is addicted to having things done correctly, generally on the first try.  She is unfailingly punctual.  She expects that the people with whom she works will get their jobs done correctly so that her job is easier.   

Perhaps these personality traits are more suited to, oh let's say, dictator than to that of an FNP in a community health clinic.  While newFNP knows that her expectations oftentimes exceed the ability of her support staff and sometimes of other clinical staff, during a busy clinical day in which newFNP is correcting the mistakes or oversights or laziness of others, she cannot help but to grow frustrated.

NewFNP is so used to having things screwed up that she perpetually dreads and anticipates the mistake du jour.  

For instance, last Friday, three providers were scheduled, two were working and zero patients were cancelled until newFNP had a fit of apoplecty in front of the clinic manager and scheduler.* Today, one of newFNP's clinical colleagues left early and newFNP was overly sensitive to ensuring that the front desk staff was aware of her departure and would allow for a reduction in patients as a result of having one less provider.  NewFNP is so sensitive to foolishly booked schedules that she was unable to see her way through the management of two physicals scheduled at the same time - mom and baby - who arrived an hour late and wanted to be seen together.  Though not an unreasonable request, it seems more unreasonable when A) the one month old boy's father was present and B) the pair were an hour late.

NewFNP is confused.  She has autonomy in her practice, the physicians do not see her as incompetent or "less than" because she chose to be a nurse rather than a doctor, she has decent benefits and a reasonable salary, although that last point is negotiable.  

But is newFNP doing any good when she feels like she is walking into the DMZ as she crosses her clinic's threshold?  Do other providers have to remind themselves to smile?  Is her frustration causing her circulating cortisol level to rise to the point where newFNP will be rendered infertile and laden with belly fat?  Will she need therapy, IVF and relacore?

Is it worth it?  Is this just what it is, what it always will be?

In writing this, newFNP thinks back to this morning when she arrived at her desk to find a sweet coffee cup, wrapped in paper towel - a gift from a patient.  So lovely and sweet.  Is newFNP an asshole for thinking of leaving these sweet patients, frustrating though they and the practice may be?  

NewFNP is holding out for the four-day workweek.  Rumors have been circulating that the clinics may open for extended hours.  Three days off each week might be the ticket.  Hiking, movies, yoga, hair-dos, shopping, cooking.  That may just turn over a new, happy leaf in newFNP. 

* Alas, not the first time.