iWhen newFNP was in grad school, she had a dear friend - who shall remain anonymous - who visited an out of town ex-boyfriend under the pretenses of rekindling an old romance. Upon arrival, it became clear to her that she was not going to having any knight in shining armor moments with this guy. Why? Because despite the fact that she flew some distance to see him, he had made plans with another ex-girlfriend for the same frigging weekend! When her pal called, incredulous, and related the story to newFNP, newFNP came up with a plan.
"OK," newFNP said, "While he is at out of the house, go to the grocery store and buy some frozen fish. Put it under his couch right before you leave. By the time he realizes where the hideous smell is coming from, you'll be long gone and his couch will stink to high heaven!"
Evil? Sure. Fantasy revenge plot? Definitely. NewFNP's friend, however, is far too kind to engage in such behavior and simply changed her flight home for an earlier departure and removed this guy's name from her cell phone.
Imagine, then, being 32 weeks pregnant and discovering that your husband of twenty years, with whom you have four daughters, has not only been with another woman for three years, but has fathered two more children by her! When you come into newFNP's office with that, newFNP is very sympathetic.
NewFNP knows that research shows that a two-parent family is better for children. But it seems like a tough pill to swallow to expect someone to stay with a lying sack of shit just for the sake of the kids. Is it too much to ask people to just grow a pair and respect their relationships? If people have decided that outside relationships are cool, then great - have at it. But that is not the understanding this woman had regarding the expectations of her marriage.
She gave him one month to decide what he wanted to do, which is about 30 days, 23 hours, fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds more than newFNP would have given him before his boxer shorts, shaving cream and nose hair trimmers were out on the front lawn.
But this woman is in a real conundrum. They have a $3400/month mortgage payment. Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac, Indy Mac! Do you hear newFNP, you fuckers! Do not give mortgages to people who cannot afford them. And $3400 to live in the shitty area where newFNP works? Does the house come with bars on the windows and an alarm system and an armed guard and a pit bull and a rottweiler? No fucking thank you.
NewFNP never ceases to be surprised when her patients tell her about their crazy expensive mortgages. How in the hell do her patients afford houses when newFNP can barely afford her 1-bedroom apartment? It kills her every time. Granted, her patients did not spend nine years in college and grad school but still. Fuck! NewFNP wants a house and a pool and a dog. Damn!
OK, back to the patient. Obviously, she was distressed. She is 32 weeks pregnant and has lost five pounds in the past month. She was crying as she recounted the tale to newFNP. NewFNP asked her what she wanted. She replied that she wanted him to tell their daughters why he was leaving and then she wanted him to leave.
Forever attempting to be culturally aware with her Latino population, newFNP said,"Well, you can always put hot sauce in his underwear." She laughed - hard. Sometimes it just helps to imagine it.
If anyone needs break-up revenge advise, please, newFNP is here to help.
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