Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Bathtub safety

NewFNP has a hunch that it is going to be a grand day at work when, driving to work at 8AM, she sees no less than five commercial sex workers standing on consecutive corners, white patent faux leather thigh-high boots, Daisy Dukes and Huggy Bear caps-a-plenty. Is there no vice squad in newFNP's major metropolitan area? Can the lady walking down the street in a tee-shirt and no pants or underwear find it within herself to cover her huge ass? What the fuck?

Seriously people. Can't we all agree that there are certain things that newFNP, as well as the majority of the rest of the world, do not need to see except at the movie theater or on C*O*P*S? There is only so much vice that newFNP can tolerate so early in the morning. This morning exceeded newFNP's quota.

So, hours passed with no obvious prostitution, leading newFNP to think that her day was normailzing, when newFNP was saw the chief complaint of "hurt her vagina." Now, newFNP is no stranger to curiously worded CC's, such as "little ball on the peanuts, " "soap in the right eye x 9 days" and "cough and flames x 2 days." What does newFNP have, a dragon for a patient? So, clearly, "hurt her vagina" isn't the oddest CC, but it's no "med refill" either.

Apparently, newFNP's 200-pound patient had slipped while exiting the tub. Her fall was broken by the tub wall, with her labia bearing the brunt of the force. Her left labia majora to be exact.

NewFNP uttered the words "oh shit" upon seeing her patient's horribly swollen purple labia. It was the size of newFNP's fist. It looked like a seashell. NewFNP imagines that she felt what all men feel when they see another man take a hit to the testes. Youch! Again, newFNP did screen for abuse - none. All of the pelvic bony structures were intact and the patient had full ROM at the hip, thus no x-ray for this uninsured patient.

Ice. Ice. Ice. Ice. Ice. Frozen peas baby. Mold 'em to your downstairs. Motrin 800mg TID with food. NewFNP thinks that pelvic rest is an obvious plan, but said it nonetheless. A little prayer that this will resolve quickly for the patient.

Man, oh man. What a day.


NNP said...

I think this is what I miss most about primary care, the "CC". Definetly can give you a good chuckle once in a while. I'm not chuckling about her injury, just some of the CC's you mentioned - OUCH!

Boston FNP said...

Oh god, my downstairs hurts just thinking about it! Love the CC's. I had one the other day that was "poo smells like eggs."

April said...
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ac.the.pa-c said...

I, too, get what I call "my Travis Bickle" moments when I take the bus through a certain neighborhood on the way to my clinic at the city's general hospital--seeing repeated examples of the city's social challenges. I would have never thought that prostitutes, gang members, and addicts get up so early in the AM.