Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Pole Position

NewFNP really enjoys IUD placements. She finds procedures fun - a little break from the assessment of DP pulses and the futile attempts to palpate hepatosplenomegaly in her generally overweight patient population.

Today, newFNP had a gregarious patient present for an IUD insertion. NewFNP asked her patient if a colleague who is learning how to place IUDs could observe the procedure.

"Yeah, sure," she replied. "I mean, I used to be a stripper so it's all good."

NewFNP replied, "Oh wow - what was that like for you?"

Some people might be amazed to learn that newFNP had never met a stripper before! She wanted to ask her all the details. How does one learn to pole dance? Do pasties hurt upon removal? What was it like?? Hell, newFNP doesn't even like to walk around the Korean day spa naked, but the rub-n-scrub is worth the lady nakedness. Dollar bills in g-strings would not be worth it to newFNP.

Her patient told newFNP that, not unlike health care, the location of the practice played a significant role in how well one was treated. In ghetto areas, her patient explained, her treatment was not so good. But in nice areas - "with lots of white guys" - it was a pretty good gig.

NewFNP didn't go into it any further, but she would actually really like to learn what it was like for her patient. What was it like the first time she performed? Did she feel hesitation about considering exotic dancing as a job? Was it worth it? Did she feel exploited? Alas, it seemed inappropriate to ask such questions while seated at the business end of the lithotomy position looking past the pierced clitoral hood to the perfectly centered cervical os.

It was the most seamless insertion of newFNP's career. Her patient was completely comfortable and pain-free, talking to newFNP and laughing the entire time.

It's quite nice to have appointments like that during a generally hum drum clinic day.


Anonymous said...

I never go out of my way to read blogs but now that I have found yours I can't get enough. I love it! Always makes me laugh/cry/think, etc...

Doug Wong said...

Read this and laughed hard. Awesome story and well written. I'm a 1st semester nursing student going through finals week and your stories about patients cheer me up. Keep up the great work and I hope you have many great adventures in the clinical setting.

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