Thursday, January 08, 2009

Oh-ooh say IUD!

It has been a long time since newFNP donned her protective gown and suited up for the old IUD insertion.  So when her awesome MA told her that her G2P2 with 2 c-sections was in for a placement, newFNP was a little nervous.  A nullip cervix after all these months of an IUD insertion-free existence?  

"Not to worry, newFNP," her MA said," she's menstruating."  And it's day two and it is a-flowin!

So newFNP got her patient prepped in the all-revered lithotomy position, placed the speculum, swabbed the moderate blood to better visualize her work place, and placed the tenaculum at ten and two o'clock.  Click!  Things were moving along super smoothly as newFNP quite easily sounded her patient's uterus to a respectable 9cm.  

As newFNP was adjusting her vadge light to confirm that 9cm was in fact the magic number, a very, very unfortunate event occurred.

During the light adjustment, newFNP made the rookie mistake of not having one hand on the speculum.  You see, newFNP's clinic does not have the fancy light-equipped specula.  It has the old school cumbersome swan-necked style lights.  One hand on the sound, another on the light and a setback occurred.  It was just a seconds-long oversight that led to a size-medium bloody speculum to fly out of this lady's lady business, only to be caught by the still-in-place tenaculum.


NewFNP quickly and blindly removed the uterine sound as her sympathetic nervous system did an auto-reboot.  She then paused for a millisecond to control her blood pressure as her patient and MA laughed the experience off.  Thank God newFNP had done this patient's entire prenatal care course as well as her post-partum and well-baby care, and was known to her patient as not being a total frigging schmuck of a provider.

NewFNP replaced the speculum with the tenaculum still in place, a feat not so easily accomplished - you'll just have to trust newFNP on this one.  She then pulled her other MA into the room for another hand to assist with speculum position maintenance throughout the remainder of the procedure which was as seamless as could be.

Perhaps newFNP should dig up her old chemistry goggles for her future IUD placements.  

1 comment:

LilSass said...

Hahahaha Yaaaaaaayyyy for IUDs!!!