Sunday, December 21, 2008

Bust a capful

It is not so often that newFNP has one of those "I've never heard that before" moments.  And perhaps a vaginal exam is not the preferable circumstance in which to experience said moment.

NewFNP's patient was gravely concerned that her purportedly well endowed partner had somehow maneuvered her IUD out of position and that she was, therefore, pregnant.  NewFNP had already seen the negative pregnancy test in the chart, delivered the result to the patient and offered to do a quick check to reassure her patient that the IUD was, in fact, intrauterine in location.  

Although she consented to the exam, newFNP's patient specifically requested the use of a small speculum, which seems rather ironic given the reason for her aforementioned concern.

"A small speculum?" questioned newFNP.

"Yes," she replied, "because I use a capful."  The way in which she casually said this assumed that newFNP was in the know regarding the significance of a capful, as though the use of a capful was a secret shared amongst women across the land.

"A capful?" newFNP inquired.

"Yeah, you know, a capful of vinegar," she explained.

NewFNP puzzled expression must have clued her patient in that she was not at all following.

"To keep it tight," she explained, "I put a capful of vinegar in my bathwater and that keeps you tight."

Does it now?

Vinegar.  To dye easter eggs?  Yes.  To clean one's linoleum?  Sure.  To freshen one's coffee pot after a year of French Roast brewing?  OK.  But to keep a vagina tight?  NewFNP is quite sure that Heloise would not offer that as a hint for non-food-based vinegar use.

NewFNP recommended Kegels, confirmed the IUD placement, reassured her patient of both her non-pregnant and actively contracepting status, and went on her vinegar free way.  


Beth said...

hmmmm if this theory was true, then post colpo patients should have a squeaky tight vagina....not my experience though. haha.

Anonymous said...

wow, that's a big job to ask of a capful of vinegar...especially since it's diluted in a bathtub full of water!

El Arbitro said...

If her well-endowed partner uses vaseline for a lubricant, do we end up with vinegar and oil?

allamadogo said...

I have heard women say that they douche with ginger and or hot pepper based preps in order to provide their partner with a "tighter" sensation-and I am not joking. Holy fire burning inflamed unhappy vajayjay.

BostonFNP said...

So, apparently this may be a South American thing. I had a Brazilian patient who had a raging yeast infection and her mother had her douche with vinegar to help with the itch. Needless to say, after she came off the ceiling, I gave her some diflucan, vagisil and advised her to stay away from all acidic vaginal washes. Dude... I'm burning just thinking about it.

SMT said...

I've just gotta say...that had to be interesting. I wonder if she was embarrassed that you weren't "in the know"...I would have been.