It is not so often that newFNP has one of those "I've never heard that before" moments. And perhaps a vaginal exam is not the preferable circumstance in which to experience said moment.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
NewFNP's patient was gravely concerned that her purportedly well endowed partner had somehow maneuvered her IUD out of position and that she was, therefore, pregnant. NewFNP had already seen the negative pregnancy test in the chart, delivered the result to the patient and offered to do a quick check to reassure her patient that the IUD was, in fact, intrauterine in location.
Although she consented to the exam, newFNP's patient specifically requested the use of a small speculum, which seems rather ironic given the reason for her aforementioned concern.
"A small speculum?" questioned newFNP.
"Yes," she replied, "because I use a capful." The way in which she casually said this assumed that newFNP was in the know regarding the significance of a capful, as though the use of a capful was a secret shared amongst women across the land.
"A capful?" newFNP inquired.
"Yeah, you know, a capful of vinegar," she explained.
NewFNP puzzled expression must have clued her patient in that she was not at all following.
"To keep it tight," she explained, "I put a capful of vinegar in my bathwater and that keeps you tight."
Does it now?
Vinegar. To dye easter eggs? Yes. To clean one's linoleum? Sure. To freshen one's coffee pot after a year of French Roast brewing? OK. But to keep a vagina tight? NewFNP is quite sure that Heloise would not offer that as a hint for non-food-based vinegar use.
NewFNP recommended Kegels, confirmed the IUD placement, reassured her patient of both her non-pregnant and actively contracepting status, and went on her vinegar free way.