Wednesday, August 13, 2008

NewFNP is a jerk

NewFNP is reading an article about burnout and she sees herself in it far too frequently. 


She feels like an utter failure.  NewFNP hasn't really ever given up on something, but she is so relieved that she is giving up on her community health practice.  And she is so ashamed to feel such relief.  

But she is snapping at staff members (irritability) , she feels burdened by patients (frustration) and notices that she feels less compassion in the exam room at times (apathy), she dreads going to work (despair).  

In retrospect, she should have taken more vacation.  But she has coping mechanisms and she uses them.  They just don't work anymore (emotional exhaustion).   

To newFNP, that all screams failure and the cumulative effect is breaking newFNP's heart.  This is not how she wants to behave and feel.

Two more weeks.  Hope springs eternal for newFNP -- she hopes that when she is working part-time, she won't be such a huge asshole.  Can she just stay in bed for the first two days of her two-week vacation?  Can her friends and family gather at her bedside and bring her Lucky Charms?  Will a facial and a peel brighten her outlook?

NewFNP hopes so, because she wants the old newFNP back.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're not a failure! Sometimes we just need a change. I'm a pediatric nurse and experience all the traits you've listed as well. Pretty typical of our profession. Sometimes a break is all we need (I hope). Your blog inspires me, makes me laugh, and reminds me healthcare is a crazy world.

Anonymous said...

There's hope. You know you are emotionally exhausted and need a break. The scary ones are those who are so burned out that they can't see it.

Countdown to vacation!

estlxlan said...

Hi dear. I feel just like you. You are not alone! I am currently waiting to get out of my current ward and move on to other discipline. Hopefully it helps.

Ps- I understand the feeling of not liking yourself because it isn't how you want yourself to be like. I am undergoing the same shit too. *sigh*

devi said...

darlin. this is an old friend. i'm burnt too. i'm out too. here's a toast to you...and, an other perspective. you did it. you've finished. congrats. and, even on those crabby ass days...i'm am absolutely sure you practiced good good medicine, just maybe those days you werent a complete saint. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of me too. I have 15 days left. OMG!

and, thanks for writing this blog. reading it is one of my coping skills.....

Anonymous said...

Did/do you have loan repayment? Is the end of this job coinciding with the end of (needed?) loan repayment?

Just been thinking about whether working in very needy health centers is worth the loan repayment...

newFNP said...

NewFNP did have a three-year commitment for loan repayment. It's hard to say - two weeks away from her commitment ending - if it was worth it. Sure, of course it's worth it to knock out a huge amount of student loan debt. But three years? Too much. Too damned much. Two years is probably worth it. Especially if the loan repayment money isn't taxed.

BostonFNP said...

As a comment both from another old friend who is at the end of her rope and one who is in the same current position because of a loan repayment committment, I have to say that most days (and $30,000 less in student loan debt) are tolerable. But when you start to feel resentment towards your patients for being sick, it is definitely time to go. I've got 8 months and counting, but I will be so interested in hearing how your mood and outlook change in the next few weeks. And shit, girl, stay in bed for a week if you like. I'll fly out and feed you Lucky Charms by hand... it's self serving- I won't be at work!

Anonymous said...

You're doing the right thing and what's best for YOU. If you're not happy and you're burnt out, there's no way that you can "be" with the patients at the clinic. There are too many other opportunities out there for you. Don't worry, you'll find your niche. Take your vacation, be good to yourself, know that this happens to many of us..including myself, and that in the end.....everything is going to be okay. I'd bring you lucky charms, but I'm states away! Treat yourself to a spa day, you deserve it!!! Never feel guilty about what your mind and body are telling you, go with what's right for your over all health. We need to take care of ourselves too! Feel better!