Sunday, February 10, 2008

Take a tip

NewFNP is not going to sit here and tell you that she doesn't love herself a little Q-Tip action every once in a while.  It feels good.  And newFNP is not referring to an external cleaning, folks.  Au contraire, she is referring to the glorious sensation experienced with the insertion and rotation of the Q-Tip into the forbidden zone of the ear canal.


But, people, please.  Once a week.  Twice if you are a true Q-Tip addict.  Do not push your billions of pounds of wet wax up against your TM.  

Because the amount of hard, brown wax - often replete with hair or other debris - which newFNP has been lavaging from canal after canal lately is getting overwhelming.  It is feasible, although as of yet unproven, that newFNP may have helped someone achieve a normal BMI through nothing more than a vigorous ear-cleaning.

When newFNP has a chief complaint of otalgia for three weeks, with or without decreased hearing, cerumenosis in atop her list of differentials.  And newFNP is a skilled clog-buster!  

When newFNP counsels patients to lay off the tips to prevent future cerumen log-jams, she frequently hears the lament that ears itch.  NewFNP knows that ears itch.  But guess what, dear patient?  Stripping them of every drop of wax will only worsen the pruritis!

When newFNP shares this fun fact with patients, she frequently receives a look that she has grown to know as the "you're fucking crazy and now I can believe nothing you say" facial expression.  She receives the same look when she says that, for optimal health, one need not eat red meat three times daily and again when she counsels that Gatorade is, in fact, not healthful when consumed in copious amounts.  

Water, friends, water.  Dilute it with hydrogen peroxide for the ears and straight from the tap/bottle/trickling mountain stream for the body.

Bonus info: In addition to being related to such conditions as polycystic kidney disease (gene PKD1) and tuberous sclerosis (gene TSC2), chromosome 16 is responsible for determining what type of cerumen you have - dry or wet.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi NewFPN...i being reading your comments for a little while, your comments make me laughs and sometimes cry. Your are amazing. But i have a question how is the NFP personal life?..or no comments about?

you are right. I don't think Q-tips have ever been advertised as being for cleaning the ear canal. Maybe they should make them bigger so they wont fit in?

They should probably increase the diameter of pencils, pens, carkeys, and anything else that might fit into openings that they shouldn't.

The fact is, the ear canal is shorter than most people think. It is very easy to go "just a little bit too far" and make contact with the eardrum. And the eardrum is fragile, it doesn't take much to perforate it.

..The first braib abscess that i saw during my students years was a kid thta just got secundary to and ear membrane perforation,,,:-(...always rememnber..clean your ears with your elbow:-)