Monday, July 02, 2007

Mellow yellow

NewFNP has an M.A. who is unflappable. Nothing fazes her. In fact, in thinking about her, newFNP has just realized how much respect she has for this M.A., a powerful and seemingly fearless woman.

Well, today she was a-tremblin' with the site of dark, dark brown urine sitting in her lab. She walked into newFNP's office and said, "NewFNP, that man's urine is black." As newFNP walked in to take a peek, she informed newFNP that, in addition to having urine the color of Dr. Pepper, his eyes were yellow.

It is so nice to have a diagnosis before one even walks in the room. Of course, that would only be dealing with the medicine aspect of Mr. Big Liver. NewFNP wanted to get to the bottom of this mystery; she wanted the back story as to why this 30-something year old man's body was poisoning him and how he poisoned it.

When newFNP walked in the room, she was startled by the yellow eyes. They were really yellow, some might say goldenrod! They were Michael Jackson 'Thriller' yellow. Even his skin had an eerie golden hue and newFNP doubts that her patient had spent much time applying faux tan. It has been the exceedingly rare case in which newFNP was able to palpate a liver, but this guy's liver was the size of a small child.

Turns out that he had broken his foot last October, subsequently lost his job and began drowning his sorrows in 6-12 beers per day, by his own account. Likely a little more given that we all under-report our vices, do we not? He did stop drinking for six days when his eyes started to turn the color of French's mustard and did not experience the DT's, so newFNP felt confident that she could advise him to go cold turkey without bringing on a potentially fatal consequence.

AA referral in place. Multivitamins dispensed. LFTs pending. NewFNP can't wait.


Not to turn this into a gossip column, but Padma Lakshmi is fucking crazy. Beautiful, yes, but crazy for divorcing newFNP's other Indian man, Salman Rushdie. Some people just don't know how good they've got it!

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