Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Vacation all newFNP ever wanted

NewFNP is counting down the days until her 2 week vacation. A little over a month and she will be jetting to a far away and exotic land - a land requiring both passport and visa, a land of monkeys and cows roaming the streets, a land requiring prophylactic Cipro.

But until then, newFNP continues to toil day in and day out. She dutifully educates regarding URI's and asthma. She skillfully performs paps as fast as possible. Just like a bank robbery - get in and get out. She supportively advises diabetic patients to lay off the orange soda, Hot Cheetos and multi-tortilla meals.

And today, she felt her first-ever silicone-injected buns. NewFNP's patient had visited another country for breast implants, rhinoplasty, Jolie lips and gluteal enhancement. If newFNP's readers have never felt silicone injected buns, they feel lumpy and hard. Perhaps newFNP's patient is the exception and perhaps silicone gluteal implants feel nice, but silicone injections do not. They especially do not feel nice when they are harboring a large, erythematous, taut abscess. But abscesses are old news to newFNP readers by now.

What is new to newFNP is the technique of packing the wound using a long q-tip to introduce the wick. For all these months, newFNP had been hoping and praying that her closed tweezers wouldn't accidentally open inside of her patients. Is it wrong to hope that newFNP will get to use her new technique soon?

And here's a little note to any male newFNP readers who might not have a clue. When someone like newFNP walks in the room and you give her a big hug, ask how she's doing and acknowledge that is has in fact been quite a while since you've had an appointment, the next thing out of your mouth should not be "Are you pregnant?" A good rule of thumb is that if there is a head sticking out of a woman's vagina, it's likely that she's pregnant. If it's 10-15 days after Channukah, Christmas, newFNP's birthday and new year's, it's a brilliant idea to cut a sister some slack and let the salads and gym kick in a bit.

Seriously, what the fuck?


Anonymous said...

I am so glad you are back. We will have a great year, starting with your long deserved vacation.

"Loving Pecola" said...

Glad you're back!

And WTF!?! People don't know not to ask that question by now?

(shaking my head)


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