Oh, did she go to Hopkins?

NewFNP was enjoying the lull experienced last week thanks to graduations and World Cup. It was all about 20-22 patients per day last week. Well, that lull is over. Thanks a lot, Mexico - way to get eliminated.

The patients are back, and quite a few of them are vexing newFNP. NewFNP must admit that she feels excessive frustration when her patients do not adhere to the regimen she prescribes. Yes, it's the patient's choice whether to go along with the plan or not. However, if the patient chooses not to get with the program, it is newFNP's hope that the patient will not continue to come to the clinic and complain of the same thing over and over again, ad nauseam.

NewFNP's 40-something year old depressed patient with a history of clearly unresolved childhood physical abuse and the full SIGECAPS spectrum reviewed her SSRI/counseling treatment plan with a cousin who advised her to just "work it out" on her own. NewFNP inquired, "Is your cousin a doctor?" Astoundingly, she's not. Nonetheless, blood is thicker than water, even when water wears the white coat. So, OK, Horatio Alger-ess, grab onto those bootstraps and start pulling.

You think you had a bad week?

OK, listen. There are many difficult situations which newFNP must control in the course of a work week. These include, but are not limited to, the following quotes from patients and/or clinical experiences from last week:

• 'I stopped taking my Benadryl because it makes my eyes hurt.'
• 'My cholesterol medicine makes my throat hurt.'
• 'My hernia [umbilical] is hurting and I didn't go to my ultrasound appointment, nor did I call to cancel or change the date.' This is a paraphrase. This same patient also told me that she felt "little balls" on her abdomen. Yeah, sister, that is called cellulite. Tummy cellulite. Now goodbye.
• 'All I eat are fruits and vegetables.' Hmmm.... 276 pounds and a glucose of 350, all from those dastardly fruits and vegetables? Perhaps newFNP is approaching diabetes care all wrong.
• Let's see, what else: fat kid, fat kid, fat kid, kid with possible ocular tumor, fat kid with hypertension, primagravida with a fetal ultrasound too devastating to describe, fat kid, hugely fat adult.... you get the picture.

But do you know what made last week a fucking nightmare? I'll tell you.

NewFNP has lost her palm pilot. The son of a bitch is gone, along with ePocrates, Kid-O-Meter, BMI Calculator, 10 year risk assessments, my hairdresser's phone number, my facialist's phone number and a plethora of other useful information. NewFNP has a new PDA on the way but misses her piece of crap Clie.

Sony Clie, wherever you are, newFNP loves you.

It's not you, it's me....

NewFNP has had some tough conversations in her day, ranging from "Well, I actually am not a real fan of purple angora mock turtlenecks but thanks for the thought" to "You have chlamydia" to "I really feel like this is not working out with us." Now she has had the "You have cancer" talk.

As with any break-up conversation newFNP has had, the build-up was worse than the event. NewFNP was surprised, quite frankly, at how unaffected the patient was upon hearing the news of her cervical cancer. Perhaps she didn't understand, perhaps she was shocked, perhaps just stoic. Her daughter, on the other hand, appeared to grasp the magnitude of the diagnosis and perhaps her mother's mortality.

In speaking with the woman and her daughter, newFNP asked again when the patient's last pap had been. Her daughter asked, "Two years ago, right?" Her mom replied that she had never had a pap and that the exam two years ago was a mammogram. This is a multiparrous woman - no pap ever. NewFNP is struck by the frequency of that experience in her patient population. She also is reminded of how important it can be to ask the same questions over and again, especially if your communication is compromised by language issues.

As newFNP has had time to reflect upon the initial appointment, she is struck again at how she initially doubted her eyes and her knowledge and how, upon receiving the result, she began to appreciate her abilities. As newFNP reflects upon the care uninsured people receive, she is struck by how flat out fucked they can be. NewFNP has awesome insurance at a very hoity-toity facility. She has a palpably and audibly crunchy knee that needs evaluation. She received her appointment the same day as her primary care physician generated the referral. NewFNP's patient has a big ole tumor in her va-jay-jay and our referral coordinator couldn't secure a colpo/biopsy appointment for her. She had to walk into a specified clinic, lab result in hand, and get medical attention.

Her biopsy was last week, as was her CT scan. NewFNP is awaiting the results, fearful of what they will bring.

Although it didn't feel good to tell this woman that she has cancer, it felt right. It felt respectful to deliver difficult news straightforwardly and compassionately, to answer questions and to be a support.

Now let's get those HPV vaccines rolled out and prevent all these abnormal paps, biopsies, cancers and deaths.