Psych!

NewFNP sees a lot of mental illness in her practice, but it is mostly dysthymia and depression. There have been a couple of wildly positive Mood Disorder Questionnaires, of course, which are generally accompanied by such wild extremes of dress that conducting the MDQ seems almost superfluous.

But it is really rare for newFNP to see schizophrenia in her clinic and it is really, really rare for her to have two schizophrenic patients on the same day.

NewFNP's first schizophrenic patient of the day was a G15P9 three-hundred pound crack-smoking schizophrenic with no teeth who lived in a board and care. She needed a pap and an HIV test which, you gotta hand it to her, is pretty decent self care for someone who is really deeply troubled. She had been off of her Seroquel for a few months and her flat affect was remarkable. NewFNP has never had so many monosyllabic responses to questions, even on her worst of dates. But it wasn't her negative symptoms that had newFNP concerned. NewFNP asked her of she had been hearing things that others could not hear.

"No," she responded.

NewFNP then asked if she had been seeing things that others could not see.

In the flattest of voices, with no change in tone whatsoever, she replied, "Last week the shadows came back."

The way in which she replied was so freaky and the response itself so fucking creepy that newFNP just resumed her Seroquel rather than having her wait for her psychiatric appointment.

Later in the same day, everyone's favorite schizophrenic patient, Cocoa Brown, came back to clinic for a follow up appointment. She, too, was smoking crack, had horrible dentition and approaching three-hundred pounds. Her weight had increased 24 pounds over the past month. She felt uncomfortable and wanted pain medication.

"Can't you give me some Tylenol #3s?" she asked newFNP.

"No."

"Some #4s??" she tried.

"No."

Her lower extremities were edematous. She was experiencing orthopnea. NewFNP's heart sank as she told Cocoa Brown that she was concerned about heart failure. She wrote some prescriptions and, not wanting her to go AWOL as she is wont to do, exited the exam room with her to accompany her to the lab.

As she walked out the room, newFNP's colleague - a good-looking Cuban doctor - told her hello. She smiled, giggled and said in an unreasonably loud voice, "He's handsome!"

NewFNP dropped her off at the lab where she, of course, bolted without having her BNP drawn. Oh, Cocoa. Seroquel or no, newFNP just can't give you the help you need to make you well.