Thursday, May 10, 2007

Is that a twinkie in your pocket?

It is a hard fact of practice that there will be a time in a clinician's life when he or she will be confronted with an erect penis. NewFNP is not talking about after work; she is referring to on-the-clock erections.

In newFNP's experience, these awkward moments tend to occur with teenage boys who will pitch a tent upon sensing a sideways glance at the penis. There appear to be two schools of thought regarding the acknowledgement this experience. School one says, "Hey, let's all normalize the exam erection for the patient and tell them not to be embarrassed - it happens all the time." School two says fuck that. Sure it's embarrassing for the patient and awkward for the provider, but saying "Oh, it appears that you have an erection. Don't worry, newFNP sees millions of erect penises every day!" might be mortifying. NewFNP belongs to school two. That is why she leaves the genital exam for last on her erection-prone male patients.

In general, newFNP really feels sorry for her male patients who have an itchy trigger penis. She knows that they know that they have an erection at an inappropriate time. She knows that they are uncomfortable and assumes that they might like to sink into a crack in the floor. As such, newFNP simply finishes her exam, states that everything appears normal (as long as everything does appear normal) and invites her patient to get dressed after she excuses herself. She returns to a fully-dressed and fully flaccid patient to conduct any education.

As newFNP stated, she generally feels sympathy for these guys. However, there is an exception to that rule.

NewFNP is, quite frankly, sick of men telling her how they have a girlfriend but have other partners and do not use condoms with any of them. In newFNP's mind, this is wrong on several levels - infidelity, potential exposure to communicable disease, being a slimy bastard. When newFNP's skeevy 32-year old patient told her how difficult it was to control himself when he had a few beers and started dancing with and kissing other women, she thought about rolling her eyes and calling him a prick, but she decided against that intervention. Instead, she educated about risk reduction, mutual monogamy and encouraged him to be a man of his word.

So imagine her suprise when, after being more judgmental than usual, newFNP's pervy patient had an erection during his exam. NewFNP's gag reflex was triggered. Should newFNP have done a gen-probe rather than a urine GC/CT? Who knows. She didn't, mostly because she had no desire to touch the man's genitals after assessing for testicular masses, of which there were none.

Keep it holstered, dude. NewFNP feels no sympathy for womanizing, dishonest, boner-having 32-year olds. Gross. Clearly he was not lying about being unable to control himself.

NewFNP needs hazard pay sometimes. Please, cough your TB in newFNP's direction but keep your erection out of her face. Ugh.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

word up newfnp. on the clock i hate penises and lately, i've been getting my fair share of questions regarding them. from one thirteen year old male:my penis itches after i masturbate - what does this mean? and two: how do you know if it's normal - isn't there a scale.

we actually use a baby scale to weigh the penis.

in grams not ounces

sheesh!

Anonymous said...

When observations like this are made in medical blogs by medical professional -- you never read anything like this: Maybe we should respect male privacy and modesty. Just maybe we should ask a male if he feels comfortable having a female examine him. If he doesn't we should offer him an alternative. Just maybe. Especially teenagers and young boys. Never (unless in a medical emergency) should they be forced to undergo an intimate exam by a female nurse or doctor. Of course, the reverse should be true for young girls -- indeed, it should be true of anyone at any age. Women have had to suffer with thsi problem for decades. But now more women are entering medicine, female patients are better accommodated. But with the nursing profession (as well as that of medical technicians) dominated by women, men are now often forced to undergo intimate care without choice. I day "forced" because many men will not express their feelings about this. They'll just take it, while feeling embarrassed, even humiliated. If a patient can't be accommodated for a good reason, explain that to him/her. Communicate. Look patients in the eye. Pay attention to patient feelings. Put yourself in their shoes (or gowns). Too often, situations like this are about the accommodating the "system," or about the feelings and sensibilities of the medical professional. It's about time they started paying attending to the feelings of the patients.

Anonymous said...

Yup, I agree. I have heard too many stories from other guys about how they feel like they were treated like an animal or feel violated pertaining to genital exam's / proceedures. They don't seem want to express it in the office. I suppose one could compare it to rape.. just one that doesn't seem as bad because it is accepted by society. Too bad the medical field couldn't adopt proceedures that could be more respectful as a default to patients. Kinda sad so many people have to feel violated to get medical treatment.

Dr.Shirley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

at least yoiu are fortunate enough not to have seen
some pervert who not only insists on showing
you his erection but also on 'making a mess'
with it.

Anonymous said...

This female examiner should be ashamed of threatening to use an outdated, sharp, painful urethra-ripping device because she felt the male was 'slimy.' Why was this female examiner alone in the room? Before she cuts his urethra, she needs to quit the field and go into hate therapy.

Anonymous said...

It is very sad to read this and to think that there are professional medical personnel that think this way. Going into this field you should have known you were going to have to deal with penises. I would hope to think you would know enough about the male body that you cannot control an erection, and sometimes they come for no reason.

Anonymous said...

Would it be so acceptable for a male nurse to express his disgust after he noticed his patient's nips got hard after a breast exam?

You're talking about a potential involuntary reaction for any man under 60. It's like getting disgusted if while taking his pulse you notice his heart begins to race.

It's normal for a 13 year old boy to be sexually curious and going to a health care worker for answers should be applauded.

Please show some maturity, class and professionalism.

Anonymous said...

I hope I never encounter you for a testicular ultrasound.

Your post indicates that you are immature and unprofessional.

Your license to practice should be revoked.

Anonymous said...

All female nurses are perverts and unprofessional

Anonymous said...

Some serious penis hating lesbian.

Anonymous said...

Let the nurse strip to conduct the exam and see how the bitch feels!

Anonymous said...

Most genital exams are actually unnecessary. Look at a very important article about how breast / genital exams are unnecessary for sports physicals. We need to end unnecessary genital exams. Think about the emotional trauma many teenagers experience from genital exams.

Anonymous said...

I have had the same nurse practisioner do complete physicals on me for 3 yrs. now. As part of the exam she examines my testicles, penis and uretha. I like that she is so thorough and have told her so. Only once did I become erect and we both laughed it off. She is a true professional.

Steve M. said...

I know this is an old thread, but perhaps you might like an older man's perspective on this.

I have three female ARNP's in my "family" of health-care providers, and two of the three are urologists...VA urologists. All three providers have examined me, and one has several times. They have been thoroughly professional, caring and compassionate. Both urologists have worked with me to find workable solutions to my erectile dysfunction, because my sexual health is a vital part of my overall health. I am not ashamed or embarrassed about being examined by any of them, or talking about my sexual-health problems.

I applaud those ladies who have gotten extra training and extra certifications so they can help men with their urology problems.

Any female health-care provider who has a problem with dealing with men and their sexual equipment either needs to get out of the field, or go into gynecology.

Anonymous said...

Seems like you're in the wrong profession if you can't deal with examining a man's penis during a physical. Do you have your vagina examined when you go for a physical? Look for a new job.