Family Tradition

The first time newFNP saw positive cerebellar findings in a chronic alcoholic, she thought that the patient had misunderstood her instructions. Not that rapid alternating movements (RAM) are so hard to describe, especially as newFNP always demonstrates said movements, but -- you know -- maybe the patient just missed the boat.

In retrospect, she shouldn't have been surprised. This patient was a middle-aged man who walked as though he was an epileptic zombie. Yeah, that gait ataxia is a good first clue. (This video of a professional man in pleated Dockers-style pants demonstrated a pretty great example of ataxic gait and, frankly, is kind of hilarious.)

Yet, newFNP was astonished to see the floppy-fish movements of the RAM. When she moved on to finger-nose-finger (at a arm's length away of course -- any yayhoo with half a cerebellum can make reasonable contact as less than full extension), she felt lucky to have left the room unblinded. She didn't even conduct a Romberg as she felt concern for the patient's safety.

That was about a year ago when newFNP was in the research clinic. That patient did not matriculate into the study.

Today, however, she had a patient in his mid-40's who began drinking at the age of 12 when his drinking buddy was his father. Having just been released from jail, he came to see newFNP to refill his diabetes meds. The last time she saw him, newFNP noted that he smelled of alcohol. This time, he lacked the aroma but exhibited the slurred speech one might note with acute intoxication. The dysarthria reminded her of her patient with cerebellar ataxia some time ago. His neuro exam confirmed newFNP's suspicion of cerebellar injury.

Now, newFNP loves her wine. And her mojitos. And her Maker's Mark with ginger ale. Wait -- where was newFNP going with this??

Ah yes, alcoholism is truly devastating. This man cannot work, he is in and out of jail and his father died from the disease that is killing him as well. The last two times newFNP assessed his readiness to change his drinking behavior, he was very clear and straightforward -- not ready, not yet. Since leaving jail this time, he has been drinking very little. He states it's time to get straight.

It's just too frigging bad that his cerebellum has been pickled before he came to that decision. Perhaps he will see some improvement if he can achieve some sustained abstinence. Until then, newFNP gives him his multi-vitamins. Today he got prenatal vitamins -- they were all newFNP had to give.

For other clinicians and students out there who need help getting substance abusing patients into care, the SAMHSA Treatment Locator is super helpful.

Grammar

Once upon a time, when newFNP was a younger lady and a new MPH student, the most influential professor of her life taught her a valuable lesson: data are plural.

This is certainly one of the least important lessons she learned from this professor from a public health perspective, but is one newFNP very commonly reflects upon given the frequency with which it is ignored. It has served newFNP well over the years in her academic writing and conversation, but it has also served to drive newFNP to drink when she all too frequently hears public health and medical professionals say "The data is..." It's like nails on a mother-effing chalkboard to newFNP.

As newFNP was sitting in her providers' meeting today (number of productive minutes = 7; number of minutes = 120) and hearing the noun-verb mismatch over and again, she was thinking to herself, "Thank you, SBS, for preventing newFNP from committing this academic faux pas... and thanks a lot!"

Do that voodoo that you do

One of newFNP's struggles is to work within a culture that is so utterly different from that of her own. Generally that manifests in requests for disability paperwork or in the dramatic vocalization of pain.

However, this struggle became uniquely salient today as newFNP was completing a physical on a 41-year old man. While he has a partner and family in his home country, he has been in the U.S. for twelve years and has a partner here as well. Apparently, his original partner was none too pleased because, as he told newFNP, she put a curse on him in order to make him impotent.

And dammit, it worked.

Now, newFNP might have taken an educational trip to a forbidden island in which voodoo is practiced and she might have entered an apartment which was protected from the evil eye by a special red fabric and was receiving some kind of power from a chicken with its legs bound by a red cloth, but that is as much as newFNP knows about witchcraft and black magic and voodoo -- which is to say she knows nothing. At her fancy nursing school, they wanted to teach the students frigging Reiki, but not even an elective on traditional/cultural medical practices/voodoo? Way to be culturally competent.

NewFNP could find no physical health concern that would explain this young, fit man's ED. From his perspective, his health was non-contributory.

NewFNP probed for a psychological explanation. Was he perhaps feeling guilty for having another partner here? He stated without equivocation that he was not.

(Hell, who can blame a dude for finding another lady after twelve long years? NewFNP is having a dry spell that nowhere near approximates that - thank god - and she's considering some recidivism.)

She asked him if he would like to try Viagra. He did not, because as he explained, the problem rested in the curse.

Not sure where to take this encounter, newFNP asked him if he believed that her curse was the only cause of his erectile dysfunction. He was certain that it was. In that case, newFNP told him, it seems as though you need to find someone to reverse that spell.

And for that, newFNP is hard pressed to recommend a single practitioner.