The Freshmaker

To many of newFNP's patients, the human body is a big mystery. Perhaps because her patients have had limited access to medical care, they have fashioned DIY treatments for various ailments. Rubbing alcohol, of course, is the big savior, dematologically speaking. It's got a "cure for what ails ya" mystique amongst newFNP's patients. Tincture of violet is another go-to topical.

But mere derm problems are not the only health concerns for which patients fashion their own treatments.

Throw menopause into the body mystery equation and it's like one big clusterfuck of a mystery to many of newFNP's patients. The uncomfortably itchy atrophic vag, the non-existent sex drive, the beard, the emotional upheaval. Honestly, newFNP isn't looking so forward to it. But she will have options when she gets there. Maybe she'll hook up with Suzanne Somers a la Samantha from SATC, maybe she'll do acupuncture -- who knows!

But what she most certainly will not do it dutifully apply Vicks Vapo-Rub to her atrophic downstairs in other to refresh herself, which is precisely what her patient told her she was doing. Granted, new FNP is nowhere near her menopause (knock wood), but there are a few places in which newFNP would not apply Vicks no matter what and her Lady Gaga is one of them. Talk about a bad romance!